Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
