drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
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