His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Randomize
