Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
