i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Randomize
