I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
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