every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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