I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
