Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
