o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
