Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
