Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
