Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Randomize
