i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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