I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I'm determined to sit on that face.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
