So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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