Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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