Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
