You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
