when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
