chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
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