I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
