Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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