My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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