my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
This beer is not sobering me up at all
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Vodka?
Forever.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
