i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
