My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
