you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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