I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
