so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
