So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
