Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
