Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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