I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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