I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
