My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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