u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
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