Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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