My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
