It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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