I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
