I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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