By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
You're a waste of cheezeits
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
where are my eyebrows?
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