Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
