I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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