Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Randomize
