Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
Can Purell be used as lube?
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Your penis caused this!
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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