Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
