Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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