I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
