I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
