You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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