jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Randomize
