if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
